Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
When you’ve simply given up.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
me irl
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.