Stop correcting my vodkabulary
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.