@SassyChantelle

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

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@KimmyMonte

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

@robdelaney

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

@CrockettForReal

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

@Sanbel11

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

@MELisCrazyInAZ

1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark

2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal

@junejuly12

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

@Ideal_Victoria

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

@Ndeshi_M

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.