Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
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So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???