Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice