-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
🏙👨🏼
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”