Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there