if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.