Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

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if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer


[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?


Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird


The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.


reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment


Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog


*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Brain: Why do you hate me?


Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier


Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant


Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.