Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
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Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?