Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
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Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn