Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Happy birthday to all the women
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
How did we not see this back then?
Cannot stop laughing at this