Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs