Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You Might Also Like
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Gemma Correll
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”