Stop it! 😂
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it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.