Stop it! 😂
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
i was baptized in a car wash
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
english majors be like furthermore
Many hands make light work
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.