stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
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[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk