Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…