Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
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Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Wednesday
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If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice