STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
“I FIXED IT!”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.