Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.