[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.