Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Breaking news:
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Oh my God.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
(Gaming support cat.)
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments