Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager