STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment