Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
6: are snakes just neck?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Who knew!
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point