Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
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I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts