Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
You Might Also Like
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Life is a suicide mission.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.