Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
how to market bottled water to dads
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…