“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Somebody call the cops.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Lmao 🤣
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
how many bears make up a bear minimum
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!