@IGotsSmarts

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

@mjkspeaks

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

@deloisivete

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

@1Happytwit

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

@aka_fatman

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

@hythemafia

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

@Smooheed

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

@paulhorne

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.