“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

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PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there



May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“


“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“


Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try


I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.


People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.


Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….


HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive


I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.