Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.