Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.