STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
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wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Kids: Stay in school.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok