Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio