Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
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Mice are just frozen Mwater.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
You know…for fall…
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please