stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
are there any atheist mantises?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.