Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Batman v Dracula
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
(Musicians.)