Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
You Might Also Like
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Who did it better?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Hank is one in a melon.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
🤣🤣
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood