-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
You learn something every day
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again