Stop sending me this shit.
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I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Alexa: *deep breath*
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”