“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
True freaking story!
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Pringles
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?