Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
me 2 months after i graduated