STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
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Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
The answer is funnier than the question