Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
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Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this