“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
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I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
*jazz hands*