Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae