Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
You Might Also Like
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be