Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl