Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.


I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”


4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh


Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.


ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen


Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper


I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back


Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…


Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.


If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.