Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
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doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.