@littlegiinge

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

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@TheAlexNevil

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

@killerdollrik

I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

@chunkbardey

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

@Thuggedraccoon

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

@mrtruthandsoul

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

@TeeJayRush

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

@ShesAllNat

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

@RobinSage76

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.