“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Always 🥴
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators