Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
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my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.