“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
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[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what鈥檚 up?
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won鈥檛 cooperate because it鈥檚 too clean
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 馃檨
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human