Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Sex so good you see dead people.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.