Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
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German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
That’s easy for you to say
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR