Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

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Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.


Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.


*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.


[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?


My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁


The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.


Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.


If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up