stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
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Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Happy Star Wars day!
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs